Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dream House: Blueprints to a healthy and happy home

Book review: Interesting, Informative, and Applicable!


When a friend recommended this book, I was intrigued by the sub-title: Blueprints to a healthy and happy home. When I think of blueprints, I think of step-by-step guidelines for building something. Blueprints are precise, concise, and sequential. That's exactly what I discovered in this book, Dream House. The ideas presented by the author are genuine and intertwined with personal stories and application, rather than a punch list of "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots." His ideas are clearly laid out, to the point, and he drills down to the core of the issues. He discusses raising children at different stages of life as the chapters unfold.



Many, if not most, Christian self-help books are overly "preachy" and tell you what to think. What I appreciated most about Dream House is that the author doesn't TELL YOU what to think; he shares his heart about what HE thinks on the issues and how he has applied them in his own life. There are several stories he shares where he made mistakes with his kids and had to seek their forgiveness. This brings realism to the book that readers can relate to. On many pages I found myself thinking back to events in my own life with my wife or kids and thinking, "Yep, been there. Made that mistake too" or "Oh yeah, that does work well!"



I have many half-read self-help books gathering dust on my bookshelf because I couldn't get through the overbearing tone of the author. Not this one. I finished it and I've already suggested it to several others I know. There are discussion questions at the end of each chapter which makes for a good small group study too. I understand that many people are apprehensive about new authors, but this new author's debut is well written and enjoyable! A 5-star recommendation!
http://www.amazon.com/Dream-House-Blueprints-healthy-happy/dp/098345681X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322720592&sr=1-1

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Are You An Emotional Hoarder?

This past decade has given birth to numerous ‘reality’ television shows. Most of us have watched Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, or one of the dozens of reality shows that have sprung up like weeds. Today, you can flip through the channels and find shows like Housewives of Atlanta, American Idol, Fear Factor, The Apprentice, America’s Next Top Model, Pimp My Ride, Deadliest Catch, and dozens more. Shows depicting tattoo artists, pawn shop owners, storage unit bidders, wife swappers, home remodelers, fishermen, singers, and dancers give viewers a wide range of choices when it comes to reality television. These shows have come a long way from what is commonly known as the "granddaddy of the reality TV genre," Candid Camera, which made its debut in 1948.

One of the reality-based shows that will usually grab my attention is “Hoarders.” According to the Hoarders website, this show takes a fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of personal crisis.1

In each story they feature a house filled with personal belongings and garbage that has been stock-piled and hoarded for what appears to be many years. In numerous episodes, the house is so cluttered with possessions, trash, human and animal waste, and even dead animals that the house is in jeopardy of being condemned by the Health Department.

Have you ever considered yourself a hoarder? Not in the same sense of these people who hoard “stuff” to the point where they endanger themselves, but do you hoard emotional hurts and offenses from the past? Has your spouse, or someone close to you hurt you in the past and you’ve held on to that pain, refusing to forgive the offense? Are you hoarding issues or un-forgiven sin of the past that are not resolved?

Just as it is unhealthy for people to hoard possessions and useless junk, it’s equally damaging, if not more so, to hang on to grievances and offenses of the past. If you have unresolved anger buried in your heart, it has a tendency to fester and grow, and has the potential to prevent you from living a life full of joy and peace.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, “And don’t sin by letting anger con­trol you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Anger, or conflict, can have a devastating effect on your relationship. It causes us to be critical of one another and it is divisive. Additionally, anger often leads to an escalation of the current issue at hand.

Unresolved conflict can escalate minor disagreements into major problems and these problems can increase in both importance and intensity. Unresolved conflict can burn within you and cause you to harden your heart towards the person with whom you have the conflict. It can grow and multiply and before you know it, you have become bitter and angry, and you may not even realize why.

Similar to people who hoard possessions, once you harbor unresolved conflict or un-forgiven offenses, you begin to hang on to offenses more readily and tuck those memories away. The more conflicts and issues that you tuck away somewhere, the easier it is to avoid confrontation and resolution and the easier it is to ignore emotional pain.

For several years in the early stages of our marriage, Debby was what she calls a “stuffer.” She would stuff her emotions deep within her heart and would not talk about her true feelings. When I would do or say something offensive, she had a tendency to add that to her collection of past hurts and she would refuse to discuss issues with me. Basically she was an emotional hoarder.

Because of the way she handled disappointment and hurts, by stuffing and hoarding them away, we would not discuss many of our problems with one another until something triggered her and she couldn’t hold back any longer. All the past offenses and pain that I had caused, and all the emotions that she had stuffed away would burst forth and we would engage in horrific emotional combat, slinging insults and lobbing emotional hand grenades at one another. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (NIV) We were acting quite foolishly during those times!

Usually our fights would last deep into the night and would expand to include so many unresolved issues of our past that we typically could not remember what had triggered the fight in the first place. We were in this cycle for several years and had one of these blow-out fights about once every three months.

We weren’t able to break out of this rut until we began to clear out all the clutter and emotional garbage out of our life. When we finally surveyed our stockpile of shattered dreams, shredded emotions, discarded needs and broken promises, we realized that we needed help. We needed an intervention. Like so many of the people on the Hoarders show, we couldn’t clean up our mess on our own.

We found a biblical marriage counselor who helped us step by step in clearing out the garbage and clutter from our emotional home. He walked us through the unresolved conflicts of our past and helped us find the courage to deal with problems as they surfaced, rather than stuff them away to be dealt with at a later date.

Today we continue to have conflicts, like all married couples do, but we have learned to deal with them immediately and directly and have moved our marriage from mediocre to amazing.

When Debby and I have disagreements with one another and we heed the words of James 1:19 which says, “Understand this my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry,” we typically find resolution and compromise that we can both agree to and we are able to avoid additional conflict.

We learned how to communicate with one another and how to discuss our conflicts and problems. God’s Word has plenty to say about keeping our communication pos­itive and uplifting. Proverbs 15:1 instructs us to avoid words that stir up anger, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” When we have arguments or disagreements, we are to avoid say­ing anything that will add fuel to the fire of disagreement. Proverbs 13: 3 says, “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” (NIV) We find in Proverbs 15: 4, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”

From watching the reality show, I’ve seen how difficult it is for people to part with their possessions and useless junk, and I’ve seen them fight to hang on to certain items they just can’t let go. One thing they all have in common is that they needed someone else to walk them through their mess and encourage them, each step of the way, to rid them of the excessive clutter that is damaging their very way of life.

In our interactions with married couples, we have talked with many people who think they are ‘just fine’ and can maneuver through life without guidance. Often these same people are experiencing a mediocre marriage, wherein they do not communicate with their spouse and yet they wonder why their marriage isn’t thriving and healthy.

Take some time and survey your heart. Are you hoarding offenses and hurts from the past? Are you stuffing disappointment and anger and refusing to resolve problems between you and your spouse? Open every closet door and look in the dark, secret storage rooms of your heart. Do a thorough house-cleaning. Take the first step in clearing out your junk and free yourself from the emotional baggage you are packing through life.

As you discuss an issue and resolve conflicts with your spouse, it is important to use phrases such as “I feel” rather than, “You make me feel.” This demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for the way you feel, rather than putting blame on your spouse for causing you to feel the way you do. This small shift may change the attitude of your spouse and have a positive impact on the resolution of the conflict.

We encourage you to seek biblical counsel and advice as you tackle emotionally charged conflicts from the past. There is no shame in seeking counseling. In fact, that may be just the step your spouse needs to see you take to begin the road to recovery in your relationship. If you need a marriage counseling referral, feel free to e-mail us at jason@youramazingmarriage.com.

~ Jason Coleman
Co-author
“Discovering Your Amazing Marriage”




1 http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/

Friday, October 28, 2011

Dating – 5 Key pillars to build your foundation upon

As a couple is dating and their relationship deepens, it is important that they have a solid foundation in several key areas. Every relationship will be tested, to some degree, and their ability to weather the storms of life will depend on the strength of their core values. We suggest the following five key components for a solid foundation to build your relationship upon.

1. Communication

When a couple is dating, they are typically communicating constantly. Or so they are led to believe. They discuss their interests, their pasts, their common experiences and hopes and dreams for the future. They spend an inordinate amount of time together, laughing and talking with one another and they never seem to run out of things to talk about. I know that when I was dating, I spent an incredible amount of time on the phone with my fiancé Debby, and that was long before cell phones hit the scene.

In spite of spending hours on the phone with one another, we discovered soon after we got married that we really had no idea how to communicate with one another. Oh, we were accustomed to talking quite often, but once we were married, we found it hard to get one another to understand what we wanted and needed.

We hadn’t discussed our goals and expectations in detail, and we found ourselves going in opposite directions.

It wasn’t until we learned how to truly communicate with one another, and listen intently to one another, that our relationship began to flourish. In the first five years of our marriage, we fought continually due to unmet expectations. When we learned the importance of clarifying our expectations to one another, our relationship began to thrive.

I learned how to listen to Debby and validate her feelings and she learned how to communicate with me in a way that demonstrated love and respect. If we would have learned the importance of communication while we were still dating, we could have avoided many of the challenges and problems we faced in the first few years of our marriage.

2 Trust

Just as good communication is important, so is the building of trust. Trust is one of the primary foundations of a successful relationship. Without trust, it’s hard to build a relationship that will last. Trust is a vital component to any relationship and without trust, there could likely be misunderstandings and shattered confidence in one another.

There are so many aspects of trust when it comes to a relationship. Trust is confidence that we will be true and faithful to one another; assurance that our lover has our best interests at heart, and a belief that our partner will support our dreams and aspirations.

3 Compatibility – common interests

One aspect that may appear to be trivial to some may indeed be one of the most important components of a solid and long-term relationship. I’m talking about compatibility. While most people take compatibility for granted, it is extremely important in a relationship that will develop and grow over time.

Generally a couple that has been together for any length of time will share common interests and goals, or there would not be many reasons for them to be together. It may not always be through shared experiences or interests that we meet and begin to develop an interest in one another, but rarely will a couple establish a long-term relationship without sharing common interests, goals, and priorities.

If a couple does not share interests and only has their own individual hobbies and interests, they will find that over time they drift apart from one another and will spend less time together. This is always detrimental to a relationship.


4 Compromise

The art of compromise is a critical component in any relationship. Compromise simply means that each partner gives up some of what they want or need to give their partner what he or she wants or needs. There are times when we need to set aside our individual desires for the sake of the relationship and we make compromises.

A key component of compromise is acceptance. We have to accept one another as we are, and often that leads to compromise. If a couple doesn’t learn the importance of compromise while dating, they will undoubtedly struggle to accept one another and will have difficulty compromising later in their relationship. If they get married without learning how to communicate and compromise, they will have rough waters to navigate in the years to come.


5 Respect

Far too often we see couples who have no idea what mutual respect is. They talk to each other with language and terms that would make a sailor blush. They do things that set each other up for failure, rather than creating an environment of mutual love and respect.

Couples who treat each other with respect and hold one another in high regard build up one another’s self esteem and confidence. When there is mutual respect, the relationship will grow and develop in a healthy way and they will deepen their commitment to one another. Everyone wants to be treated with respect, and when that happens, the natural response is to reciprocate that respect. It becomes a ‘win-win’ situation and that has an impact on every other aspect of the relationship.


~ Jason Coleman
Co-author
“Discovering Your Amazing Marriage”
www.youramazingmarriage.com

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Marriage Workshops

Debby and I had the opportunity these past two weeks to teach marriage and parenting workshops at the Awana Ministry Conference in both Spokane and Everett, Washington. We shared our story to approximately 120 people and met some great couples.

We shared some thoughts on how we model and honor Christ in our marriage and encouraged couples to live a Christ-centered marriage.

We are humbled to be used by God to encourage couples to choose to stay married and we are grateful for the couples that have trusted our words and suggestions.

We introduced a Small Group Study Guide that was written to accompany our book "Discovering Your Amazing Marriage." The study guide takes the reader into a deeper study of God's principles and can be used individually or in a group setting. For ordering information, e-mail us at jason@youramazingmarriage.com  The study guide sells for $6.95 and bulk discounts are available for a small group.

Monday, October 3, 2011

"50 Great Writers You Should Be Reading" contest

Jason Coleman and Debby Miller Coleman, authors of Discovering Your Amazing Marriage have been selected as Finalists in The Christian Authors Show "50 Great Writers You Should Be Reading" contest! Please support us by voting for us in this contest! Click the link below, click on the large red seal on the home page that says "50 Great Writers...", scroll down to the "Click Here To Vote" link, find our name in the list and follow thru the instructions. Very simple, takes a minute or two is all, and we appreciate your vote and support!!!

The Christian Authors Show

Not sure how long the voting is open for, but we'd appreciate support! The Grand Prize is a 2 minute book trailer video!

THANKS in advance for your support!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Happy Anniversary My Love!

September 30, 1989...twenty-two years ago I pledged my eternal love to Deborah Denise Miller and she responded by changing her name to mine and pledging her eternal love to me. These past 22 years have barely put a dent in eternity, and yet we have four amazing children, tons of family photos, bonds that can't be broken, and memories to last a lifetime! I can't wait to see what blessings the next 22 years will bring!

Everytime we see an elderly couple we always says, "That's gonna be us!" We have no doubt we will stay together, for we believe that love is a choice we make, every day. Every day we make a conscious decision to put the needs of one another before our own and we find ways to demonstrate our love and passion. Sure, we mis-fire on occasion, but the love we share is nothing short of amazing!

I thank God continually for blessing me beyond measure!

Here's a small blog gift to you my lover! Happy Anniversary!

You're the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise.
You're the last thing I think of
Each night when I close my eyes.
You're in each thought I have
And every breath I take.
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move I make.
I want to prove I love you
But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to give
To you... I give my heart.

Author: Cara G. Stanfield

All my love,

~ Your Forever Man

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Love is a CHOICE


Love is a Choice – Not an Emotion. Have you ever considered the fact that love is a choice? Love is not simply an emotion, yet love affects your emotions…love causes you to laugh & to cry. Love causes you to be happy and sad. Love keeps you awake at night. Love gives you the lump in your throat, the knot in your stomach, the cold sweat on your brow…yes, love does all those things, but love is not an emotion. Love is a choice.

Love affects your emotions and love controls your emotions. Love greatly impacts your emotions, but love IS a choice. You don’t fall in love, you decide to love someone. Really…you decide…you choose to love.

You see, let me explain it this way; love can give you the warm fuzzy feeling when you’re with the one you love, the one you’re attracted to. There’s a definite synergy between the two of you that causes your heart to race or skip a beat, your pulse to pound, and gives you butterflies in your stomach. But those effects are all due to the choice you make to love.

When we say love is a choice, we’re saying that you must choose to love your spouse everyday in such a manner that you make him or her feel as if they are the most important person in the world to you. Because, what happens if love is simply an emotion & love is how you feel…and what if you have a bad day?

What if you stub your toe when you get out of bed…late because the alarm malfunctioned. The coffee pot overflows, you’re stuck in traffic, you are late to work, your boss gives you a poor evaluation that you don’t feel is warranted, you get home to find the kids fighting, dinner is not ready, and as if that wasn’t enough, your wife has decided to perm her hair. She’s in the bathroom with her hair all curled up in a foil bag on top of her head and the house stinks to high heaven!

Would you love her then if love was an emotion? Or will your feelings and emotions kick in and take over? You will be frustrated and annoyed! Annoyed at the clock. Frustrated with the coffee pot, your boss, your evaluation, the kids, the fact that dinner isn’t ready, and to top it off, your wife has a stupid bag on her head! You’re gonna be annoyed! I promise you!

But are you gonna love her? You are going to love her, and do you know why? Because love is a CHOICE. Your love does not waver with your emotions. Sure, you’re frustrated and annoyed…but you keep on loving her. Because it’s the right thing to do and because you CHOOSE to. Don’t fall for the worlds’ view of love that says love is an emotion and a feeling that can be changed as often as you change your oil or cell phone plan.

Love is a choice, and once you start buying into that concept and you change the way you think about your spouse, you will change the way you treat your spouse.  You will also change some of your daily habits. When you start changing some daily habits, your impact your marriage in a amazing ways..

In closing, remember this…

No matter where you are in your marriage today, one thing is certain: the choices you make regarding your spouse and your marriage will have an impact with immediate and long-lasting results!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Federal Way spouses discuss infidelity on Oprah's network

Here's a great article that ran on the front page of the Federal Way Mirror on Saturday June 18, 2011.

By ANDY HOBBS
Federal Way Mirror Editor

Jun 16 2011, 7:57 PM

After a fairy tale wedding and honeymoon, Jason and Debby Coleman quickly ran into trouble.
The couple had married young — she was 19 at the time, and he was 22. From the start, Jason was working long hours on evenings and weekends. This became free time for Debby. Outside of her college classes, she spent a lot of time socializing with friends. Communication between the newlyweds was at a minimum, and their expectations of marriage were, in hindsight, unrealistic.
About six weeks into the marriage, Debby and a male acquaintance began an affair.
“Reality slapped me in the face the second we got home from our honeymoon,” Debby said. “I continued to go out with other friends and not really act like I was married. ... I never should have been in those situations.”
The infidelity lasted a couple of months until Jason discovered a letter written by Debby to the other man. In the letter, she wrote about ending the forbidden relationship. Blindsided by the revelation, Jason confronted his wife and asked her to leave.
“I knew we weren’t getting along too well,” Jason said. “I had no idea it had gone to that extreme. It was a total shock to me.”
The Federal Way couple shared their story for the TV series “Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal,” which airs 9 p.m. Monday, June 20, on OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network. In June 2010, the Colemans published their self-help book “Discovering Your Amazing Marriage” that includes advice on learning to communicate and protect a marriage from infidelity.
Devastated by the affair, the couple eventually reconciled and began the long road toward repairing their marriage. They underwent heartache, late discussions and counseling while improving their communication and nurturing their spiritual sides.
In rebuilding trust, the couple kept each other more accountable.
“This was long before the day of cell phone,” Jason said. “I’m not too proud to admit I checked the mileage on the car” to see if Debby was driving elsewhere. “I was not trying to catch her doing things wrong, but to catch her doing things right.”
“I was perfectly fine with him doing that,” Debby added. “I wanted him to know I was in it 110 percent.”
Almost 22 years and four children later, the Colemans — now in their 40s — credit the infidelity for strengthening their marriage.
“I’m so completely and utterly ashamed of my behavior. I have to believe we went through all of this for a reason,” Debby said. “There are people out there who are struggling and need to know other people have been through the same thing.”
The couple acknowledges that it’s been a tough road, and that their marriage is not perfect.
“Our resolve came in knowing there was something better for us and making a conscious decision to love each other. Love is not a feeling, it’s not an emotion. Love is a consicous decision,” Jason said. “Amid the hurt, anger and broken trust, we chose to love each other.”
Learn more
• To learn more about the Colemans or to check out their book “Discovering Your Amazing Marriage,” visit www.youramazingmarriage.com. Those interested in purchasing the book can enter the coupon code “federalwaymirror” for a 25 percent discount.
• The couple’s segment on “Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal” airs at 9 p.m. Monday, June 20, on the cable channel OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

For the past several weeks the media and the American public has been captivated with the ever-increasing story of Congressman Weiner-his poor judgment, lies, and potential sexual indiscretions. With the recent announcement that his wife is pregnant this story has taken a bizarre twist and intensifies the intrigue.

With increasing frequency we are learning of the private decisions public officials make that are potentially career-ending. As this story develops, the cries for resignation are gaining momentum. It is therefore not out of political gain, but out of a respect for the sanctity of marriage and the relationship that he could potentially lose with his wife of less than one year that causes me to join those who are calling for his resignation.

Here are 5 steps that I believe Congressman Weiner must take if he desires to save his marriage:

1) Resign immediately. Congressman Weiner, or any public official, cannot mend fences at home while remaining in the public spotlight. His alleged indiscretions are a private matter between he and his wife and they should remain private. The longer Congressman Weiner remains a member of Congress and the longer he maintains his refusal to allow this firestorm to destroy his political career, he longer restoration between he and his wife will be delayed. He needs to remove himself from the public spotlight and work these matters out with his wife.

 2) Break off all contact. Congressman Weiner must break off all contact from the women he was tweeting and texting with. It is critical that he cease all contact and interaction and that he begins to build a wall around him and his wife. He needs to fortify his position at home and guard his heart. I suggest he shut down his Twitter and Facebook accounts, and any other social media he uses to interact with his constituents.

Guarding against intruders is vital to building, achieving, and main­taining an amazing marriage. It is equally vital to rebuilding the trust that has been shattered in this relationship. We cannot say enough about accountabil­ity when it comes to the preservation and protection of your marriage against intruders. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and given the right set of circumstances you may find yourself facing a situation that you aren’t prepared for.

3) Reveal everything. In private with his wife he needs to be completely truthful and reveal everything he was involved with. It is paramount that he does this, as the truth will come out eventually from other sources and it is critical that he be as transparent as possible with his wife. This will most likely be a very hurtful and difficult time for them both, but everything must be laid out in the open so they can assess the damage before rebuilding.

4) Rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust will take time and is a tough thing to do but is absolutely necessary. This will undoubtedly be a long and tiresome process, but one that is fundamental to their relation­ship.  Trust is one of the primary foundations of a healthy relationship. There’s not much you can build in your relationship if there is an absence of trust. Trust, after all, is the cornerstone of marriage. Trust means having a complete assurance that circumstances will not influence the relationship we share with one another. The vow that many of us have taken that states “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” simplifies this concept of trust.

Accountability is one of the biggest components of rebuilding trust. Congressman Weiner should seek an accountability partner with whom he can talk about his struggles and who will hold him accountable to do what is right for his marriage.

My wife and I give each other full access to any and all screen names and computers we may be using at any given time. We know each other’s passwords and we have an understanding that if the passwords change, we must inform each other of the change and why. This is not a privacy issue; it is a matter of respect. We respect each other enough to let the other have access to every corner of our lives. It is not a lack of trust, rather a measure of confidence in one an­other and a willingness to be completely open and transparent. There is no area that is off limits in our marriage. If one of us asks for access to anything it is granted, and a discussion follows with regard to the reasons why, if necessary.

Spouses owe it to each other to be honest and transparent with re­gards to concerns the other may have and they should always be brought up in a discussion. Not only does transparency and honesty help guard your heart, but it protects your marriage as well.

5) Make his wife feel as if she is the most important person in the world.

This could be one of the most important steps in rebuilding a relationship and maintaining a relationship. Love is a choice; it is not a feeling or an emotion, but rather a conscious decision that is made on a daily basis. My wife and I have discovered that an amazing marriage is a rare bond between a husband and a wife wherein each one knows that they are the most important person in the eyes of their spouse.

An amazing marriage is the result of the choices you make each and every day. Choices about how you will treat your spouse, how you will talk to your spouse, and so much more.

If Congressman Weiner wants his marriage to be truly dynamic and unique, he needs to be purposeful about the choices he makes and exercise a determined effort in rebuilding his relationship. The same can be said of you and me.

Congressman Weiner, you’ve made some very poor choices. Begin today by choosing to save your marriage and take the necessary steps to rebuilding that which you have begun to destroy. It may be too late for your political career, but your private relationship with your wife is more meaningful and, hopefully, more important.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Just joined Goodreads!

I just joined Goodreads this week and am opening up a whole new avenue to contact other authors, book reviewers, and book lovers! The more I learn about the "world of writing & publishing" the more I realize I have to learn!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Why You Deserve an Amazing Marriage

Let’s begin with an easy question. Why do people settle for a marriage that is “less than amazing?” We would like to suggest a simple answer: Because an amazing marriage takes work. You cannot sit back and just watch it happen. It doesn’t evolve over time with little or no effort. It doesn’t just happen on its own. An amazing marriage can’t be purchased, won, or inherited, and it can’t be found on the Internet.

An amazing marriage is the result of the choices you make each and every day. Choices about how you will treat your spouse, the level of respect you will render to your spouse, how you will talk to your spouse, and so much more. You can choose to make your marriage amazing, or you can choose to accept the status quo.

If you want your marriage to be truly dynamic and unique, you need to be purposeful about the choices you make and exercise a determined effort in building your relationship. This can’t be a once-in-a-while effort, or a whenever-you-feel-like-it effort, but a consistent and daily effort. You will need to make good choices that demonstrate your commitment to your spouse.

It takes a consistent effort on a daily basis to show your mate that he or she is the most important person in your life. The choices you make will demonstrate your allegiance to your spouse and your marriage. If you are not purposeful and consistent, the best you will achieve in your relationship may be mediocrity. The choice is yours.

An amazing marriage takes daily effort and requires a significant amount of time. It requires a process that grows and evolves over time as you work at it; there is no quick-fix solution you can apply when you feel it is warranted or needed. There may be times when emotions run wild — this is when people say stupid and thoughtless things — and then to avoid a fight or confrontation, a quick-fix solution to minimize the damage may seem like the best choice.

When you apply this approach, you may improve the moment but not the relationship. Repeated quick-fix solutions may have the opposite affect; by hiding and covering up your core challenges again and again, it may be difficult to gain the trust of your spouse when a genuine effort is made. Unfortunately, these Band-Aid approaches usually do more harm than good.

Let’s define what an amazing marriage is not. It is not a perfect marriage. It is not a marriage without heartaches and hardships. It is not a marriage without disappointment and pain. It’s certainly not a storybook fairy tale that ends with, “and they lived happily ever after.” Unfortunately, an amazing marriage is not the norm in society, either.

We have discovered that an amazing marriage is a rare bond between a husband and a wife wherein each one knows that they are the most important person in the eyes of their spouse. It is special and it is unique. We know that this special bond can be realized through a consistent effort and with a daily commitment of putting the other person first, at all times.

Excerpt from "Discovering Your Amazing Marriage" - available on amazon.com; to read more, pick up a copy today at amazon.com or your favorite book seller.